What They Don't Know
by Er-BearG32
Summary: ***Originally posted on Ao3 in 3 separate chapters*** Bellamy's grief over losing Clarke, and his inability to deal with his emotions, drives him to do the unthinkable without thinking everything over first until it's too late, with Murphy being left to deal with the emotional fall-out. The consequences of his choice pushes Murphy over the edge. Rated T for suicide attempt.


**What They Don't Know**

 _Written by: Erin_

 _"You killed Clarke, you bastard!"_

Punch. Punch.

 _"You KILLED her! You son of a bitch, you killed her!"_

Another punch...and this time he had felt the cracking of his knuckles and felt the blood.

 _"It should've been you! You should be dead, NOT HER!"_

Bellamy looked down at his bleeding knuckles in shock and horror, not moving from the very spot he had practically pulverized Murphy in. He stood rooted to that same spot, even as Raven had slapped him across the face, even as Murphy had uttered those 3 words he had fully expected him to say...and was shocked it had taken him this long to even say them. But they didn't hurt any less.

 _"I hate you..."_

What hurt the most when the younger man had finally said it, wasn't the fact that he had said it; but it was the tone in which Murphy had said it. Bellamy had fully expected his voice to be filled with malice, anger and hatred. But instead, when he spoke, it was filled with nothing but pain. Only a few minutes had passed between the time Bellamy had finally snapped and had thrown Murphy to the floor, in a corner of the Go-Sci Ring, and had started punching him square in the face until he was bleeding, to when the older man had finally realized what exactly he was doing and had backed away...just as Raven and Emori where rounding the corner.

Only a few short minutes had passed between Murphy uttering those final words as he had risen shakily to his feet, his eyes filled with nothing but hurt as he shook off Emori's hands that where reaching for him, to him disappearing down the hallway of the Ark and the sound of a door shutting somewhere in the distance. Bellamy had barely even reacted as Emori had stared hatefully up at him and had spit right in his face.

He deserved that. He knew he did. He deserved everything that the three would throw at him now.

 _"Look, I know you're grieving and it's only been 2 months, Bellamy. But get your shit together and grow the fuck up. You can't go around beating up everyone just because you're grieving, and blaming them for things that aren't their fault. And if you say it's because it's Murphy, I'll slap you again."_

Raven hadn't waited for him to respond before he heard her walk away, the sound of her limp and her brace echoing down the hallway. He vaguely was able to make out the sound of her voice, as well as Emori's, somewhere down the long hallway; but he couldn't bring himself to even head in their direction.

Much less go and find Murphy and apologize.

For, well...for everything. Including what had just happened between them.

"Bellamy, you're an idiot," He growled to himself as he raised a hand to run it through his dark curls. What in the world was he thinking? He knew, deep down, that Murphy was not responsible for what had happened to Clarke. Murphy had saved all of their lives before the death wave had struck, and there was no stopping the events as they had occured.

Clenching and unclenching his fists as he watched his knuckles continue to bleed, Bellamy recalled back to another time when he had tried to beat Murphy to death, shortly after he had shot Raven. Granted, he had also just tried to kill Bellamy as well by hanging him, but...Bellamy knew now that he only had himself to blame. Murphy never would have wanted to kill him in the first place if he hadn't kicked the crate out from under the younger boy's feet in an attempt to kill him first.

And despite the fact that Murphy thought that Octavia was the one he was shooting at, shooting Raven was an accident. That was confirmed by Raven herself. And from the time they had all departed for the Ring till now, Bellamy had watched a very unlikely, weird sort of friendship spark between Raven and Murphy, and it left Bellamy speechless that such a thing had happened. How had it happened?

He would never know.

Both of them had remained tight-lipped over how their friendship had started since working together in Becca's lab, and Bellamy knew better then to ask.

Deep down, he had hoped, after reuniting with Murphy in Polis, that maybe - just maybe - they would be able to put the past behind them and start over. There was a sort of a rollercoaster with their relationship after Bellamy had opened the Bunker, but he had still been hopeful.

Especially after he had witnessed Murphy save not only Monty's life, but all of their lives before the death wave had it. He had come through big time for all of them and it had made Bellamy more then proud, despite the devastation over what had happened to Clarke.

But as the months passed on the Ring, and Bellamy had refused to talk about Clarke and had not allowed himself to let the reality of her death sink in, he had just...snapped. And Murphy had been right there and one thing led to another...

"Fuck!" Bellamy cursed to himself as he finally turned around and started walking in the other direction, despite his gut telling him to go after Murphy.

But knowing Murphy - did he really know him at all? - he would shut him out. He hated him now, all over again; he had said it himself. They where back to square one.

And there was no going back.

"John? You're still awake?" Emori rolled over onto her side and pushed herself up onto her elbow, looking down at her boyfriend in concern. At the same time, anger continued to churn in her stomach at the red marks decorating his face thanks to Bellamy's fist earlier that morning. Reaching her now uncovered left hand out, she placed it on his chest as her eyes watched his every move. He didn't blink as he stared up at the ceiling of their Ark apartment.

"Yeah..." He mumbled under his breath, glancing briefly over at her before turning to look at the ceiling again,

"Can't sleep..."

Pushing herself up all the way, she patted his chest and gently urged him to sit up with her,

"Talk to me, John." There was no beating around the bush this time; after what had happened earlier that day with Bellamy, and the fact that John had attempted to shut her out all day today, now she wasn't going to have any of it.

Sighing, Murphy pushed himself up wearily, his muscles tired and drained; he was exhausted beyond belief, emotionally and physically, yet he couldn't sleep. It just wouldn't come. He had thought - hoped - that maybe he and Emori would be able to start something new up here, but that hope - like all other hopes - where dashed in a short 24 hours.

He was a disappointment to all of them, particularly Emori, and there was no going around that this time.

"I'm sorry..." He whispered, pulling his knees up to his chest and letting his arms dangle on top of them,

"I'm just so sorry, Emori..."

"For what?" Emori's brow furrowed in utter confusion as she placed a hand on his back, rubbing soft circles on his rumpled t-shirt in hopes it would not only bring him some sort of comfort, but would urge him to talk to her.

"For not fighting back this morning," He continued, looking up underneath his long lashes at the woman who he loved with ever fiber of his being,

"For not fighting harder for our right to be in the Bunker...if I had tried harder, we wouldn't be up here." He sucked in a sharp breath,

"Bellamy was right, Emori; Clarke's death is on me, too-"

"No." Emori interrupted, reaching her hands out and cupping his cheeks in her hands,

"No, John. He wasn't." She leaned forward and pressed their lips together in a long kiss. As she was about to pull away, she felt a wetness on John's face and she kissed him again before pulling him to her chest tightly in a crushing hug,

"You saved us. You saved ME, John. Bellamy doesn't know you, even if he thinks he does; he doesn't. And so help me God, I won't let him or anyone do that to you again." She felt John's arms wrap loosely around her waist before slowly tightening.

"I love you so much, Emori..." He whispered into her chestnut hair, trying to remember the smell of her, the feel of her body against his, the feel of her arms around him,

"I'm so sorry..." He allowed a few more tears to fall from his blue eyes as she rocked him gently on the bed.

"I love you too, John," She whispered, her concern starting to grow as he never released her, even after he finally fell asleep.

Over the next few days, things didn't get any easier between Bellamy and Murphy, as the tension only climbed as each day passed. Bellamy had rarely seen the other man during those days and if he did, it was only in passing as he had carried his meals off to his and Emori's apartment because he had been refusing to sit at the table with any of the others. And where Murphy went, Emori went, so Bellamy had barely seen her either; but he did see her more then Murphy, and each time he did, he was met with the same look of hatred.

By the night of day 3, however, as Bellamy was walking down the halls on his way to his own room to go to bed, he stopped in his tracks as he saw a lone figure lying curled up on his side on the bed in an abandoned apartment. Ducking around the corner so that he wouldn't be spotted, Bellamy cautiously sneaked a peak inside, staring at the figure as he stared at the wall, his face a mask of pain. Turning his head in confusion, Bellamy looked at the door and spotted a metal sign still hanging above the door that read clear as day: Murphy Family.

This was Murphy's home, the place where he had lived before he was sent to the Sky Box.

His stomach lurching and feeling like he was going to be ill, Bellamy closed his eyes and hurried away from the sight of Murphy like this. Guilt ate at him as he walked away from yet another chance to try and make things right with the other man, and he didn't even realize where he was going until he practically collided with another figure who was walking in the other direction.

"Oh, sorry-" Bellamy shut his mouth as he came face to face with Emori, who was now staring up him with raised eyebrows,

"Emori."

"You going somewhere?" She demanded, narrowing her eyes as she walked around him, but turned back around as Bellamy called her name.

"If you're looking for Murphy, he's in his parent's old apartment." The words where out of his mouth before he even had time to think them through, and he mentally slapped himself as he wished instantly that he could take them back.

A glare was shot his way in that instant and the young Grounder walked closer to him until they where practically nose to nose,

"And you just left him in there?"

"What-"

"It's where he's been sleeping the past couple of nights, Bellamy; not that you care, of course," She snapped, not giving the older man a time to respond,

"He hasn't been sleeping in our apartment, so he's been retreating to his parent's home, which is where I find him every night."

"Why?" Bellamy whispered, the feeling of guilt creeping back into his gut and starting to eat him alive.

Looking at him like he was the world's biggest idiot, Emori snapped back,

"Because he's fucking depressed, that's why!" She jabbed a finger into his chest,

"That should be obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes, Bellamy! He's depressed, and he's been depressed for a long time, yet nobody gives two shits about that; it's just now on display for the entire Ark to see because of everything that you've done to him, so thank you so much for destroying him yet again, Bellamy!"

"Emori, how as I supposed to know he was feeling like this?" Bellamy raised his voice slightly, trying to defend himself; but he already knew trying to do that was pointless. He had no reason to defend himself after everything he had done.

"After everything, and after telling him in so many words that his life has no purpose and worth, how is he supposed to feel?" Emori hissed before whirling around and hurrying down the hall and in the distance, he heard the soft closing of a door and Bellamy knew he had just wasted yet another opportunity thrown his way.

"John!"

Pound. Pound.

"JOHN! Open this damn door right now!"

Pound. Pound. Pound.

The shouting caused Bellamy and Raven both to look up from their meals 2 nights later, 3 more heads following right along with them as the pounding on metal only continued. Bellamy jumped to his feet, pushing his chair back, and rushed out of the room where they where all eating dinner and down the hall towards Emori's voice.

Hearing 4 sets of feet behind him and knowing that Raven, Monty, Harper and Echo where all following him, Bellamy sped up as Emori's back came into view as he saw her pounding loudly on the door to the Murphy family apartment...which was now closed and aparently locked. Skidding to a half as he neared her, the others right behind him, Bellamy placed a tentative hand on Emori's shoulder,

"What's going on here?" Raising a fist, he knocked twice on the closed door,

"Murphy? You in there?" Silence.

"Murphy!"

"He's in there, Bellamy, and I'm afraid he..." Emori stopped, too terrified to even say the words,

"I'm worried he's going to do something stupid."

"This is Murphy we're talking about here. He's relentless and impulsive, but he's not stupid," Monty piped up from behind them and Bellamy shot him a glance, nodding his head in agreement.

"You didn't see him this morning! He told me...He told me the truth about what really happened in ALIE's bunker on the island. I knew bits and pieces, but he finally told me just today that he had tried to kill himself...just TODAY, Bellamy!" Turning back to the door, she pounded again,

"And now he's locked himself in here...the very place his mother drank herself to death." She attempted to kick in the door next,

"JOHN! So help me God, you had better open this door NOW-"

"He wouldn't try and kill himself, Emori; this is Murphy!" Raven raised her voice above Emori's shouts,

"He's Mr. Survival at all costs-"

"Yes, he is, unless he feels like there's no hope left and he feels like there's nothing left to live for!" She snapped, turning her attention straight to Bellamy,

"You basically told him a year ago that, in your own words, that he deserved to die, Bellamy. You told him almost a week ago that he should be dead!" She hissed, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and yanking him to her roughly until they where eye to eye,

"You want to know what you can do to help this time? Get that fucking door open right now."

Although not fully believing that what Emori was saying to be true - after all, Murphy and suicide did not mix - a certain fear, mixed with his guilt, filled him once again. He was being given yet another chance; now was the time to take it. Nodding his head in determination, Bellamy felt Emori release his shirt before he gently pushed her aside,

"Stand back, everyone!" Backing up, Bellamy lifted his foot and gave it as hard a kick as possible and watched as it nearly gave in. Stubborness winning out, he backed up again and kicked another time, and another, before finally the door gave in and as he and the rest of the group rushed into the room, Bellamy stopped in his tracks at the sight in front of him and felt his stomach drop.

And almost threw up.

The figure in front of him, holding the gun in his hands, did not look like the Murphy they all knew, but it was him. His eyes where sunken in and red-rimmed and if Bellamy looked close enough, he could see tears threatening to spill over. His dark hair was disheveled and his hands where shaking as they held the gun. The younger boy glanced up at the group as they all hurried in and stood in the doorway and Bellamy held his hands up in front of him as he watched Murphy rise to his feet and start to back up against the wall. He almost expected Murphy to point the gun in his direction, but instead watched as he raised it to his own head instead.

"John, put that thing down right now," Emori whispered frantically from where she stood, too terrified to move a muscle.

"I'm sorry, 'Mori..." He whispered brokenly, his hand shaking even more as he put his finger loosely on the trigger.

"Murphy, put the fucking gun down, you idiot!" Raven shouted, starting to take a step closer but stopped as Murphy interrupted.

"Don't come any closer! All of you...don't come any closer...Just-Just go away, all of you; just let me do this peace so you don't have to watch it-"

"If you think we're going to let you do this, Murphy, you're horribly mistaken," Bellamy finally spoke up, taking one step closer to him,

"You don't want to do this."

"Maybe...maybe not," Murphy muttered under his breath,

"What does it matter anyway?"

"Your life matters, that's what, John!" Emori shouted, tears now streaming down her face as she felt completely and utterly helpless to stop this tragedy from unfolding.

"I know you think it does; but you're wrong. Your life matters; mine doesn't," Murphy shook his head, lowering the gun only slightly,

"I need to do this this time...I need to finish what I tried to do in that damn bunker."

"NO, you don't, Murphy!" Bellamy shouted, shaking his head furiously. This wasn't happening; it couldn't be happening. It all felt so unreal, like a nightmare unfolding right in front of him,

"You didn't kill yourself before and you're not going to kill yourself now, damnit! I'm not going to let you do this-"

"Why the hell do you care so much, Blake?!" Murphy screamed, lowering the gun all the way this time and stepping away from the wall. His blue eyes where wild and filled with such hopelessness and pain, it made Bellamy sick just looking at him,

"Tell me, why the hell do you care?! Because you sure have had no problem telling me time and again that I deserve to die!"

"Murphy, I'm sorry-"

"Fuck you, Blake! Fuck your apologies!" Murphy continued screaming, hysteria now taking control and his entire body now shaking as he stared Bellamy dead in the eyes,

"You don't know what it's like! You don't know what any of it's like! You don't know what it's like to have everyone, starting with your own mother, tell you that everything that goes wrong is because of you! You don't know what it's like to be blamed for everything that's not your fault, no matter how hard you try! You don't know what it's like to be tortured over and over and over again and know that nobody will care enough to come and help you! You don't know what it's like when you try and be a better person, have everyone tell you you're still not good enough, that your life doesn't matter, that nothing you do matters! You don't know what it's like to be expendable! You-You don't know what it's like to be raped either, do you, Bellamy?!" The entire time Murphy was screaming, he was staring Bellamy down and by the time the final words left his lips, fresh tears where now streaming down his cheeks for all to see.

Unable to stop his own tears from coming to the surface as he felt his heart completely break, Bellamy allowed them to fall and knew that everyone that stood in the doorway where now crying as well, especially Emori and Raven, as he heard sobs escape both of them in turn.

"Murphy...Please..." Raven whispered brokenly, her voice filled with pain as she stood next to Emori, holding her hand tightly in her own for strength,

"Please...Don't do this...We don't want you to do this-"

"Why not?" He interrupted, turning his gaze finally to Raven,

"I destroyed your life. I destroyed all of your lives. Hell, why wouldn't you want me dead? Why would any one of you want me to continue breathing? I know I don't..." He raised the gun once more and put it to his temple.

"JOHN, STOP!" Emori shouted, sobs ripping through her throat,

"John, please, I love you and you _know that!_ I can help you; we all can help you, John, but you have to put the gun down first-"

"I'm so sorry, Emori, I'm so sorry," He shook his head in utter despair as he look into his girlfriend's striking eyes which where now filled with a sadness that he had caused,

"I love you, but you deserve better." Before anyone had any time to reply, Murphy's finger was back on the trigger and within a matter of seconds, it was pulled.

The gun had jammed.

That was the only explanation of the disaster that had just been avoided.

That, or there really was a God somewhere.

But the moment the gun didn't go off, Bellamy had leaped forward and was now wrestling the weapon out of Murphy's shaking hands, all the while the younger of the two howling and screaming, clawing at Bellamy's hands to try and stop him.

Monty was suddenly by his side in a matter of seconds as well, and now that he had a grip on the gun and had successfully yanked it safely out of Murphy's hands, he practically shoved into Monty's, who tucked it securely in the back of his pants and backed away. Monty's eyes, wet with tears, never left Murphy as Bellamy attempted to wrap his arms around his trembling form.

"I'm not going to let you do this, Murphy!" Bellamy cried out, feeling the younger man fighting and thrashing against his arms,

"I will not let you kill yourself, damnit!"

"Let me go! Just fucking let me go, Blake!" Murphy's screams where heartbreaking to listen to and Bellamy knew he was probably going to wind up with bruises on his body from Murphy's thrashing and pushing tomorrow morning, but if there was one thing Bellamy was, it was that he was stubborn and he was going to fix this.

"Let go of me! Get your hands off of me, Bellamy!" He continued to scream and Bellamy heard more quiet crying coming from the doorway, but he didn't turn around; all of his attention was focused on the young man that he had hurt more then he had ever thought was possible.

"No. No, I'm not going to do that, Murphy."

"PLEASE! Please, just let go..." The screaming soon turned to harsh sobs and Bellamy soon felt Murphy slumping against him and before he knew it, both men where on the floor of the small apartment. His arms wrapped tighter around the trembling body and he raised a hand to rest it ont he back of Murphy's head, gently pushing it into his shoulder as he felt the sobs tearing through him. Bellamy expected Murphy to try and push him away once again and to continue screaming in his ear, but all that escaped him was even more harsh sobs that didn't lessen up as the minutes went by. He soon felt a pair of shaking arms wrap tightly around his back in return and cling to his shirt. Closing his eyes in relief, Bellamy only tightened his grip around Murphy's shoulders, knowing that he needed this; this was long overdue and it didn't matter how long it would take to help him.

"I've got you, John. I've got you." He whispered the dreaded first name, almost expecting the other man to snap at him to not call him that; that only Emori could call him that. But after a few seconds and no objection was made, Bellamy let out a small sigh of relief.

It was a start.

"Will he be okay?" Raven spoke first several hours later as she and Monty both pulled Bellamy aside and away from Harper and Echo. The group had eventually backed away from the near tragedy that almost occurred, a near tragedy that almost claimed on of their own, leaving only Bellamy and Emori with Murphy in the small apartment; to give them space and privacy for Murphy, is what Raven had said, and away from prying eyes. This was not something that they had ever witnessed happen to Murphy and something they all wished they had never witnessed. The last person they had ever expected to try and take their own life had attempted to do just that, and they all knew deep down that the last thing that Murphy needed was everybody watching him as he cried in Bellamy's arms.

"I don't know, Raven," Bellamy whispered, running a hand down his face in a lame attempt to dry his own tears,

"He's started to calm down, but he's still asking for the gun." Here, he turned to Monty and looked him straight in the eye,

"You keep that gun with you at all times until further notice and don't let it out of your site."

"It's not going anywhere, Bellamy," Monty promised,

"He's not getting a hold of it. I've already started to do another sweep of the Ark, just to make sure there aren't anymore spare weapons lying around."

"Good." Bellamy sighed in relief, looking over his shoulder and down the hall towards the apartment Murphy was currently in with Emori,

"How did it come to this?"

"You know how it came to this," Raven sternly replied, narrowing her eyes,

"Although you're not the only one at fault here. We all have had a hand in it, but what happened last week was the final push for him, I think."

"I had no idea so much had happened to him in the time he was away from Arkadia, Raven; none of us asked about, and he never said anything. Emori was the only one who knew anything." Bellamy sighed, his eyes filled with a deep sadness as he continued,

"She was the only one knew that he was..." He couldn't find the strength to even say the word, much less think it,

"Why didn't he say anything?"

"Because she's the only one he's ever trusted completely since his dad died, the only one who rightfully earned that trust," Raven frowned,

"None of us are innocent here. Nobody here on this space station is. We all have hurt each other in one form or another-"

"Yet we all have been there for each other...except Murphy," Monty interrupted,

"And we should have been. I'm not saying he's innocent either in the things he's done, but even I have to admit, the guy who saved my life isn't the same guy who wanted to take Jasper's life back at the dropship."

"And from the moment he returned to Arkadia, all we've done is throw his mistakes and choices in his faces, not even giving him much of a chance," Bellamy ran a hand down his face and shook his head miserably,

"I don't know if he will ever forgive us...forgive me..."

"Give it time, Bell," Raven whispered, her voice broken with grief over this entire situation,

"I'm not saying it will be easy...Murphy doesn't forgive easily; but I've seen it happen." At Bellamy's confused look, Raven grinned slightly, despite the situation at hand,

"It's true. He forgive Clarke for almost testing Emori with the nightblood; he forgave me for wanting to turn him over to the grounders in place of Finn. It's possible."

"But he's never tried to kill himself over those things," Bellamy objected.

"Bellamy, he just put a gun to his head this very evening and pulled the trigger, only finding it to be jammed," Monty sharply interjected,

"That's the only way he's still with us now. You can't honestly expect things to be better in just a few hours. We have 5 years to go before we go back to the ground, which means we have 5 years to try and help him, the 6 of us. That's a long time. Be patient with him." He watched as both Bellamy and Raven looked sadly at him and he knew exactly what they where both thinking,

"I watched Jasper die; I watched him take his final breath. He died in my arms..." Monty took a shaky breath, attempting to keep his own emotions under control as he replayed Jasper's suicide over in his head,

"He was my best friend and I was unable to save him; we all failed him one way or another and weren't there when it mattered the most." He stopped briefly before adding seriously,

"We can't let that happen to Murphy, too."

 _"I say we float him!"_

 _The feel of the noose around his neck and the crate being kicked out from underneath him..._

 _"I was just giving the people what they wanted."_

 _"He deserves to die!"_

 _Punch. Punch. Punch._

 _Over and over and over again until his face was covered in blood._

 _The feeling of his fingernails being ripped off, one by one, by the grounders..._

 _"Then we'll kill him."_

 _The realization that he had shot Raven...just as she attempted to kill him..._

 _"I tried to stop him!"_

 _"Not hard enough."_

 _"They want a murderer? We'll give them one. Drop your gun!"_

 _Getting whipped over and over again by Titus, until his back had been ripped open by said whip..._

 _The feeling of the collar and chain locked around his neck and Ontari threatening his life if he didn't do what she wanted...the feeling of utter hopelessness as he knew he literally had no choice in the matter..._

 _"The things I do to survive..."_

 _The trama of being locked inside of Becca's bunker for 3 months and placing the gun underneath his chin, getting ready to pull the trigger..._

 _Pulling the trigger on the Ark..._

The dreams - memories - where playing in front of his eyes on repeat, even as he tried to wake up and he didn't even realize he was screaming until he heard a soothing voice in his ear and felt Emori's arms wrap around him from behind, rocking him gently. Shaking uncontrollably, Murphy reached both hands out and grabbed onto her arms as they held him, clinging to them as tightly as humanly possible as a sob ripped from his throat.

"Shhhhh..." Emori soothed, closing her eyes tightly to hold back her tears as she rocked John back and forth on their bed,

"Shhhhhhh...You're okay, John; you're okay..." She lowered her face to his neck and buried her face in it, gently kissing his neck and cheek even as she held him as tightly as she could from behind. His face wasn't visible from the angle in which he was curled up, but based on how tightly he was clinging to her arms and the shaking of his whole body, she didn't have to be a genious to know that the memories had caused the tears to return.

"Am I?" He finally whispered,

"I don't know if I am, Emori..."

"You are," She reassured, tightening her arms around him,

"I'll tell you why. Because I'm never going to leave you. Ever, John. You're going to be okay because I'm going to help you, and you will survive."

"I don't want to survive-"

"Liar," She interrupted, but made she kept her voice quiet even as she said that word,

"You do. And you will. I don't care how much you try and push me away, how much you think you don't deserve me, how much you try and hide this...but I'm never leaving you. I promise."

Over the next couple of weeks, the "Murphy Suicide Watch" seemed to be working; nothing as major as Murphy's suicide attempt a few weeks prior had happened and Murphy had finally stopped asking where Monty had hidden the gun.

At least, Bellamy assumed he had stopped asking. That is, until he heard a loud shout from another room and a crash following. Sprinting down the hall towards the noise, Bellamy rounded the corner and burst into one of the supply rooms to find Monty holding onto a thrashing John Murphy that reminded Bellamy of right after he had pulled the trigger and was fighting him. One of the tall shelves in the corner of said room had been knocked over, which would explain the loud crash he had heard.

"Where is the fucking gun, Monty?!" Murphy demanded, his face red from yelling as he tried to shrug out of Monty's grasp.

"Calm down, man!" Monty grunted, even as he was attempting to pull Murphy towards the door,

"Calm down!"

Not needing to be told twice that an intervention was needed badly, Bellamy raced into the room and stood directly in front of Murphy and placed both hands on his arms to steady him,

"You're not getting the gun! You're not going to find it either way! End of story." As Murphy opened his mouth to object, Bellamy interrupted before he could get a word in,

"There's no point demanding to know where it is; you're _not getting it!"_ The older man nodded over Murphy's shoulder at Monty, silently letting him know that it was okay to release him and after Monty had disappeared from the room, Bellamy squeezed Murphy's arms gently, but didn't let go of him,

"You calm?" He watched as the younger man closed his eyes and took several shaky breaths before opening them again and nodding,

"Good." He released one of his arms, but kept the other in his firm grip,

"Come on, sit down." He nodded to the floor and waited until Murphy had sat next to him beside the fallen shelf,

"What was that about, Murph?"

Running a hand through his dark hair, Murphy shook his head and groaned,

"I don't know..."

"Yes, you do," Bellamy called him out on the lie,

"Talk to me. What happened?" He sighed at the annoyed look Murphy shot his way,

"Okay, maybe that's not the right way to go about asking that question-"

"It's alright," Murphy mumbled under his breath,

"It's just the nightmares and memories keep coming back at night, and they won't stop...I just want it to fucking end already..."

"The nightmares, not your life. Correct?" Bellamy tested him.

Murphy shot him a quick glance, but didn't answer the question with anything more then a shrug,

"I just wanted to know where the gun was-"

"Why? So you could try and shoot yourself in the head again? Not gonna happen, John; you already know that."

"Why does it matter anyways?" Murphy snapped, turning his head away from the older man sitting next to him,

"Why does it matter if I find the gun?"

"Because we don't want you dead, that's why," Bellamy sharply answered,

"Why won't you talk to anyone else about how you're really feeling? Let all of us help you; Emori says that it's up to you on whether to trust us or not-"

"She's right."

"So?" Bellamy urged, reaching a tentative hand out to rest on Murphy's shoulder,

"I know it's asking a lot; I know we've given you no reason to trust anyone besides her, but I know I for one want to at least try." He waited for Murphy's response and watched as a fear he had never seen before filled his blue eyes,

"You dont have to be afraid anymore, John."

"Why do you keep calling me that, Bellamy?" He whispered, lowering his eyes to his lap.

"Because it's your name." Bellamy chose to leave it at that as Murphy slowly nodded his head, albeit somewhere reluctantly,

"If you don't want to talk right at this moment, that's okay; I'm not going anywhere, and neither are the rest of us." He watched intently as Murphy's posture seemed to start to relax some more and with a squeeze of his shoulder again, Bellamy gave a tiny grin and nodded over at the fallen shelves,

"So...why don't we get this mess cleaned up, huh? Before Raven sees it and throws a fit."

It didn't seem like such a big deal on the surface, but nearly 6 months later as Raven was leaving the control room to head down to the kitchen for dinner, she heard two familiar voices coming from around the corner and her heart leaped in her chest as saw Murphy and Emori coming towards her, fingers laced together. She smiled slightly in their direction as she caught Murphy's eye and she watched as he gulped and stopped in his tracks as she walked towards them.

"You joining us for dinner, Murphy?" She smiled warmly at him, trying to keep conversation light and not make such a big deal over the fact that this was the first time he had even attempted to join them for meals since his attempt to end his life. It wasn't that she hadn't seen him during the 6 months, but the younger boy - while slowly starting to recover - was still so closed off and refusing to confide in anybody besides Emori; even Bellamy, who though he patiently attempted time and again to get him to open up to someone, always came back defeated. But Bellamy was changing before Raven's eyes as well, because despite the fact that each conversation with Murphy left Bellamy saddened and feeling like he wasn't much help, he remained patient and understanding as well and that gave Raven hope when it all appeared hopeless.

"Yeah...Might as well give it a try, right?" She watched as he squeezed Emori's hand tightly for strength and take a long breath,

"At least tonight-"

He was caught off guard as Raven reached forward and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and squeezed him. A smile crept across her face as she felt his arms wrap around her in return, and his head rested on her shoulder. Looking over his shoulder at Emori, not wanting to overstep any boundaries, she met the grounder's eyes and watched as a relieved smile crossed her own face; Emori's features seemed to relax at least a little bit as she mouthed the words "Thank you" to Raven.

Smiling in return, Raven squeezed Murphy one more time before releasing him and smiled gently up into his confused face.

"What was that for?" He whispered, reaching for Emori's hand once more.

Shrugging her shoulders, Raven softly replied,

"What, can't I just be happy to see and hug my friend?" Giving him a reassuring and gentle look, even as he still looked confused, Raven turned back around and started down the hall again, the sound of Murphy and Emori's footsteps behind her echoing in the quiet hallway. As the three reached the kitchen where the remaining 4 where already seated around the table and talking quietly amongst themselves, Raven walked over to Bellamy and leaned down to whisper into his ear.

"Look who decided to join us," She nodded over her shoulder just as Murphy and Emori quietly entered and the two watched Murphy silently as he took a seat on Bellamy's other side; his eyes, though they still had a look of fear in them, where the most calm any had seen from him in a long time and Raven smiled as Bellamy's eyes brightened and a look of the utmost relief crossed his face.

Over the rest of the year, time passed slowly; but considering everything that everyone had been through - on the ground and now on the Ark - the 7 up in space chose not to complain about that fact. Despite the fact that the grief over losing Clarke hadn't necessarilly lessened, especially once the one year mark hit and a memorial was held for both her and for Jasper, they all attempted to hold their heads high and be strong for both Bellamy and for Murphy...who still, to that day, not had completely opened up.

A year ago, Bellamy was positive he would have given up on John Murphy; he would have rolled his eyes and say "Screw you, you do what you want,". But things where different now, even though Murphy still remained tight-lipped and refused to really talk to him on a deeper level.

Until that certain night, at least, after everyone on the Ark had supposedly gone to sleep and Bellamy, still wide awake, chose to take a walk attempting to clear any jumbled thoughts going on inside of his head.

As he rounded the corner, he suddenly stopped in his tracks as he saw Murphy's familiar figure sitting on the ground, back up against the wall, in front of the large window that overlooked Earth. His head was turned in the direction of the window and from the way Bellamy spotted him clenching and unclenching his hands which where wrapped around his legs, Bellamy knew that he was still awake. Walking closer to him, Bellamy watched as Murphy turned his head in his direction, looking up at him.

"Hey." He softly spoke.

"Hey yourself," Bellamy replied, sitting down beside the younger man,

"Can't sleep either?"

"Nope," Murphy replied with a shake of his head,

"Tends to happen often though...I figured when it does, I'd rather sit out here then back in my parent's apartment, you know?"

"Yeah," Bellamy quietly replied, lowering his head briefly before turning back to Murphy just in time to see him turn away from him,

"What's going on?" Over that last year, that question had become routine for Bellamy; he would ask it often, although deep down he knew that Murphy wouldn't completely answer it. But it was worth a shot. Nobody deserved to carry their burdens alone; or, in Murphy's case, mostly alone. He knew that Murphy had Emori, that she was his support system, his lifeline, that he loved her with all of his heart. But Murphy had to know that he could trust other people too, that they weren't going to hurt him.

Silence passed between the two and Bellamy frowned as Murphy - not surprisingly - didn't reply,

"Murph?"

More silence.

"Hey," Bellamy reached a hand out and clasped Murphy's shoulder, giving it a small shake,

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing..." Murphy mumbled, unfolding his arms and stretching his legs out in front of him,

"Go back to sleep, it's nothing..."

Bellamy remained where he was, not pushing, yet not doing what Murphy requested either. He continued to stare at him and kept his hand where it was, giving it a small squeeze of reassurance, but didn't say anything. After several minutes of silence, Bellamy was almost positive another night was going to go by with no luck, and he was about to call it a night and head back to his his bed to try and get some sleep when Murphy finally spoke. His voice was so quiet, Bellamy almost had to lean in to hear him.

"Ontari."

"What?" Bellamy frowned, turning further towards him.

"It was Ontari..." Murphy further elaborated, pulling his legs back up and wrapping his arms tightly around them in what appeared as an almost protective manner,

"She was the one who...While I was trapped in Polis, she was the one who..." He closed his eyes tightly, trying to get himself to say the word again.

"Take your time," Bellamy whispered reassuringly.

"...She was the one who...raped me..." Murphy quietly continued, finally turning to look up into Bellamy's sympathetic face,

"She had me chained up in the Commander's bedroom...and threatened me if I denied her anything...I was her fucking sex slave, Bell," The last words where spoken in a low growl and Bellamy cringed as realization slowly started to sink in.

"Ontari...the Commander whose heart you pumped to keep Clarke alive in the City of Light? That Ontari?" Bellamy careful asked, not wanting to overstep any boundaries with this topic.

"Yeah. Her." The younger man lifted his hand and wiped his palm across his cheek, quickly wiping away the few tears that escaped,

"I had just escaped Grounder Prison when I rescued you in the tunnels, Bellamy. It's where I found Pike and Indra. I'd been in Polis for weeks up until after ALIE was defeated, from Titus torturing me, to finding Clarke, and Lexa dying...and Ontari...that's why I had to leave you right after, Bell." His voice cracked as he spoke,

"I had to get out of there...I had to get Emori safe...I just had to..." Murphy closed his blue eyes, trying to shake all the memories that where washing over him like a tidal wave all at once,

"Protecting Emori has always been what I've tried to do, Bellamy; I never wanted to see Clarke lock you up in the Bunker to prevent you from getting to your sister - if anyone understands what that's like, it's me, as she did the same to Emori and I..."

Bellamy remained quiet as he listened to Murphy and little by little, parts of his heart continued to break; and at the same time, understanding was also washing over him.

"I just wanted her to be safe, and knew that she wouldn't if the grounders took over the Bunker. That's why we left...because we knew we where dead either way, and we would rather spend our last few weeks in the lighthouse bunker I was stuck in for 3 months, together, then die a horrible death at the hands of the grounders who rejected Emori..."

Letting out a long sigh, Murphy lifted both hands up and ran them through his hair, but didn't lower his arms; he kept his hands on his head, his eyes looking down at his lap,

"To think, I would rather spend my last days in the place I had tried to originally kill myself in then with my own people..." A chocked sob escaped him,

"At times like this...I wish that my dad had never saved my life; he never would have been floated by Jaha if he didn't...I would have gotten better eventually, he would be alive, and my mom...she'd be alive, too." He felt Bellamy's hand squeezing his shoulder again,

"A part of me hates them for it, for doing that. But..."

"But what, John?" Bellamy whispered.

"But I miss them...I miss my dad more then I let on, Bellamy...and-and I just have wanted to see him again..." Another sob caught in his throat and he turned to look up at Bellamy, his vision blurred by tears,

"I just wanted to see my dad again...I'm only 18, they shouldn't be dead..."

Bellamy felt his heart splitting in two and he didn't waste another moment before moving his hand from Murphy's shoulder and placing it on the back of his neck,

"Come here." With a single pull, Murphy's head soon came to rest on his shoulder and Bellamy felt the shuddering of his shoulders as he cried. Wrapping his arms tightly around his shoulders, Bellamy didn't say another word, as he knew that Murphy just needed to cry now.

For his parents. Both of them. For a childhood cut short too soon, and then never recovering from it. The losses, the pain and agony, the torture. The blame.

Resting his chin on top of Murphy's head, Bellamy rocked back and forth slowly as he looked out the window at planet Earth right below them. When the time came for them to come back down in the next 5 years, things would be different between them. Things would not be the same; he would make sure of that.

John Murphy was now officially under his protection - just like all of the other delinquents - and he would not allow him this type of pain again.

 **5 Years Later...**

"Are we all here? Are we all ready to go?" Raven called out, looking around at each of her friends in turn, counting heads as they where getting ready to board the rocket. Her eyes eventually landed on Emori and the tiny bundle strapped against her chest and immediately noticed they where missing someone,

"Hold up, where's John?" Looking around her and not seeing him, Raven shouted,

"John Murphy, hurry it up whatever you're doing and get down here!"

"He said he had forgotten Alex's favorite toy back in our apartment," Emori replied with a shake of her head,

"I'll go get him-" She was about to head down the hall when the baby strapped against her chest let out a loud cry,

"Or maybe I won't..." Glancing around until she saw Bellamy, she was about to open her mouth to ask him to find John, but the older man held up his hand to silence her.

"I'm on it, Emori." With that, Bellamy took off jogging to where John and Emori's apartment had been - the place where Emori had given birth to baby Alex not even a year ago, the place that had been their home, the place the entire group had decorated the day before John and Emori had gotten married. As he reached the door and pushed it open, John's name was already on his tongue,

"John, what's taking so long-" He stopped as he looked around the deserted apartment with no sign of his best friend. Frowning, Bellamy took off in the other direction.

There was only one other place he could be.

And the feeling and memories behind it didn't sit well with him.

"John?" He called, racing down the hall and stopped as he saw John's back standing in the doorway of the all-too-familiar room. Walking up to him and standing beside him, Bellamy bumped his shoulder with his own and waited until he met his gaze,

"We're getting ready to take off. You okay?"

"Yeah," He shrugged in reply, looking down at the makeshift toy animal Raven had made for his son before he had been born,

"I just wanted to look in here one last time; it'll probably be the last anyways." He looked up and took a small step inside the room, but stopped before he went too far inside,

"I just wish Alex would have been able to meet his grandfather, you know?"

Nodding his head in reply, Bellamy followed him into the room,

"You named him after your dad, Murph; that says alot right there."

"Oh, don't get all mushy, Blake," John rolled his eyes, but then turned serious again,

"I know I did; it was Emori's idea, a way to keep his memory alive without him there. It was a type of healing process...you already knew that, though." He glanced over at his friend and then frowned,

"I'm worried though..."

"About what?" Bellamy frowned, too.

"About things going back to the way they where once we get back down to Earth today. Once the Bunker is opened...I'm worried about Emori and Alex; we've always been outcasts, Bell, and when we left 6 years ago-"

"Hold up, things won't go back to the way they where," Bellamy interrupted him firmly with a shake of his head.

"You don't know that for sure. Not only is Emori my wife now, but Alex is my son. You don't know what will happen."

"I do," Bellamy sternly assured,

"Because I won't allow it. A lot of the reasons why things where the way they where is because of my own doing. And I won't allow it. Emori will be protected; you will be protected. Your SON will be protected. I swear."

Sighing and nodding his head, John looked back down at the toy in his hands, then at the wedding ring on his left hand, and then folded his arms over his chest,

"I just want them safe...and I don't want Alex going through the same shit we did..."

"Your friends are behind you 100%. All 6 of us. We're not going anywhere," Bellamy reached an arm out and drapped it around John's neck,

"And if anyone tries anything, they'll have to answer to me." He watched as John nodded his head in reply and just then, Raven's voice sounded from down the hall again.

"JOHN! BELLAMY! GET A MOVE ON, YOU TWO!"

Chuckling, Bellamy rolled his eyes,

"I think that's our cue to leave, before Raven comes and drags us both out of here by our ears."

"Wouldn't put it past her either," John chuckled as well with a roll of his own eyes. He unfolded his arms and wrapped his own arm around Bellamy's shoulders,

"Let's get out of here then."

With a final glance over his shoulder at the room, and at the Murphy Family metal plaque that hung outside the door, John ran his free hand over the name - the name he no longer went by - and then reached out and closed the door.

Closing that chapter of his life. And starting that new one with his wife, his son...and the friends who had become his new family.

END


End file.
